Archive for the ‘Challenge’ Category

Dreaming at the Awaken Studio Toronto

An amazing Coaching session this morning.
A question became the culmination of an intense conversation.
“What would I like to see in my lifetime?”
That question then flushed out with a pondering of:
“What I dream of?”
“What do I want to see in the future?”
“What is playing in my wildest mind?”

I found these questions glorious being asked on a day that holds so much promise. I found the freedom there can be as I simply hold my dreams. Holding space for all the potential that there can be. I found the power in letting my fantasy of the future swirl into the energies that I bring to the present and emboldened by the force of will that the past has taken. All this reminding me that what I dream of and envision today can become the reality of the future.

I love this premise so much. I love the learning that I have had over the past 10 years as I have lived my dream, brought forward my fantasies and desires for what life will be. Over all these years I have come to the knowing that what I dream I create! I have so much gratitude and strength from knowing that the dreams I hold are the reality that I create.

Come along and dream with me!
Come along and dream really big with me!
Come and let’s dream together!

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” John Lennon


When will you ever be over that… ?

Early last December I was out with a friend.  We were in the Gay Village here in Toronto, having a coffee in the late afternoon. We got to talking about relationship and that brought me to speaking about some of what goes on in me and passes through me when I let myself dwell in the pain of rejection and heart ache that I am able to feel in the dissolution of a relationship.

As our conversation developed, I was a bit surprised as I spoke, that the friend that I was with, asked rather abruptly… “When will you ever be over that? … What will it take for you to move on?… It has been so long will you ever be over this?…”

The particular relationship, that I will speak of here, is not what one might expect. This is not about the severing of a relationship between two human beings but the dissolution of the relationship between myself, a human being, and a corporation.

These questions about the way I process my pain and grief  around my separation, left me to wonder and ponder what was going on in me that I could not get over what had happened. This left me to analyze what really did happen and why I should feel so hurt by a business, a corporation.

First, I drew little distinction between the corporation and the human beings that were steering the ship, driving the organization. In my experience, the voices on the phone, the fingers typing the emails were human and not corporate.

Second, I had given, over several years, a lot of my energy, passion, skill and devotion to this company.  I had given my human LIFE force to this corporate organization. Again it never felt like I was involved with a company but with a group of people. I felt I was involved with other human beings. I felt that all was friendly and that I could be vulnerable and continue to operate in my human way, rather than in the defenses of a hard-shelled corporate and very inhumane manner.

Last, I look at what really happened. All of it was business and I simply could not see that the humans I was dealing with could disengage from their money driven pursuit to get to a heart driven pursuit. The humans and the corporate zombies could not be separated. My defenses as a human were compromised and I simply had to close up and wall myself off from the corporate onslaught.

In the face of the dissolution of our once tender relationship, I had to defend myself in the most silent ways. I was threatened, by the other – my former partner, with all of the corporate defenses. These including law suits, the forfeiture of my daily income and finally the threat of unending bullying and threatening if I ever spoke or wrote of the experience that I had with this small and ultimately very predatory and dangerous corporation.

This is the crux of the whole experience for me. That these PEOPLE, fellow HUMAN BEINGS, could not act like the human beings that they looked like; however, instead stayed in their corporate, financial and money driven pursuit. This organization that spoke of spirit, this organization that spoke of heart, this organization that spoke of human integrity and human healing was ultimately unable to operate from a heart centered model and shifted to, what was for me, a rather vicious and hurtful, greedy corporate model.

I wonder to this day what happened to the humans that were involved in the operations of this business. These humans had touched me, showed themselves to me in truly human forms. Part of the hurt and the great sense of fracture in this very painful separation is that the humans disappeared and were replaced by vacuous and dangerous zombie like human forms that were simply robots of American Corporate culture.

So, back to the question, “when will I be over this”?  I don’t think I ever will.

The experience, this rather ugly corporate divorce, has ingrained in me a wariness and deep felt skepticism of corporate culture. The experience has taught me that indeed, corporations are NOT human. This wariness and skepticism has me super vigilant as I work to operate in a heart centered world rather than in a corporate and money centered world.

Everyday this scar that is in me, poses to me the question and offers me the challenge… “Can you live your HUMAN life, and carry on your HUMAN business in life, from a HEART centered model?”

I have determined in my musings and in my stumbling through life that it is my greatest pleasure and my wildest dream to live my life fully from my heart. It is my profound desire to treat each and every being that I encounter in the most humane, kindly, compassionate and loving way that is within me.  -♥-

Here I am everyday bringing forward, my very human SWEET JUICY HEART.

BE well! and Blessed BE! Glad to have a FAERIE name that fits.




Today World AIDS Day. December 1, 2013

Waking up to feeling like the MISFIT that I am. Realizing and knowing that I don’t really fit in, I don’t really belong and I never have. Even in the groups and organizations that I felt like I belonged to and was a part of for so long I realize now that I was simply too different to fit in.

For a long time I felt that being so different was a problem. Being so different made me an outcast and undesirable. Something is different today. Something inside of me has changed.  Something is different and I am finally, after cresting past middle age, realizing that all the stuff that makes me so different and such a MISFIT is actually what makes me myself. I don’t have to be a victim of this MISFIT, QUEERNESS.

Today I feel powerful and I can actually let all that QUEER ENERGY and all that sense of not belonging feed my POWER and my SENSE OF SELF. This is the place where I can make that QUEER MISFIT, into a BEING that is FIERCE and BOLD and full of the wholesome richness of life and love. I do not have to be afraid, ashamed or guilty that I am so different. I can bring that BIG, BOLD and FIERCE, QUEER out into the world and some good and kind and gracious LOVE into the community that I am a part of. 

I finally able, at this point in my life, to look at myself and feel good about what I have done and what I am doing. What is that you ask? What are you doing?

What I am doing with my life these days is creating a space, a community that welcomes and embraces all that is diversity in men who LOVE men. The Awaken Studio is that physical place. A space and place for men to come together and be a part of. A part of what we can create together, a part of what we each put in and a part of what we will each take away. An urban space and downtown place welcoming all of the energy of not belonging. An open, welcoming and hospitable place where men can bring their queer energy.  This queer spirit can be focused and channeled and sculpted  into creating community,events and gatherings for all men who love men.

Check out the Queer Heart Talking Circle, a gathering for all queers and all men who are willing to dedicated themselves and create a safe, welcoming and honouring environment. A gathering where men who love men can come together and share their Queer Heart and LOVING Gay Spirit.

For more information about the Queer Heart Talking Circle gatherings contact Phillip and the Awaken Studio at:

Queer Heart Talking Circle - Awaken Studio - Toronto MORE?

Queer Heart Talking Circle – Awaken Studio – Toronto MORE?

How long will this continue?

How many times do I have to feel the rush of anger and the push of BIG emotions that rise through me as I hear the words over, and over and over again?

“You are irrelevant! Everything that you are doing is IRRELEVANT! What you want for your self, your group and your community are totally IRRELEVANT and what ever we want we will do…”

When I hear this statement going off in my head I begin to get very sensitive. What happens in my head is like the ear worm song that I can not eject, and the ear worm keeps playing, over and over and over again. I am simply left to wonder how many times will this go on in my head, repeating incessantly. I begin to fear that this statement will begin to invade my heart, my passion and my spirit. When I am beginning to be afraid that this statement is taking over my life, my actions and all that I do I simply have to do something intensly relevant, loudly different! That relevant something is usually pretty outrageous, and sometimes boldly daring.

Answering my own Question.

So the answer to my question of how long this belittling and degrading message will continue.

I feel I need to say forever! Or at least until the success, the daring and the brilliance of my self can take root and overpower the dark overbearing and bullying statement that this was.


I have been afraid to write about this as when I have spoken of it or written about it in the past I have been threatened, yet again, over and over, often with legal action.

When I have begged the compatriots of this bully to reign him in I have been told, “You will just have to remain silent. The perpetrator is indeed a bully. This is how he has acted all his life and besides he is a number 8 on the “Eneagram” scale and has no control over his emotions.”

I am shaking as I write this. This story and statement feeds into every historical act of outrageous and cruel, torturing and belittling bullying and degrading taunts, punches and kicks  that were perpetrated on me a a child, a young man, a gay boy simply one who could not fit in.

The weird thing of all of this is that my silence perpetuates the story and makes the story more real in my heart. My silence creates more fear and my fear amplifies the story.

What to do to Move Ahead?

What to do… Yes what to do.

All I am left to do is get up off the floor, dust myself off and look around. As I look I seek out those who I am able to align with. I seek out those who have matching experiences. Then I do my best to stand tall, stand proud and deliver all that is my best all that is relevant. Delivering my best and everything that is full of my passion, my zeal and all of the care and LOVE that I can bring to my band of lovers and warriors lets me feel relevant. This action of delivering my best reverberates in my psyche and allows me to rebuild myself. This self is stronger, more compassionate and more generous than each time before.

What I can say about all of this.

Don’t fall into the trap of the bullies! Don’t let yourself be a victim! Offer all you have! Give until you can give no more! Keep searching for those around you who care and who will hear you and see you for all you are.

AND know this! NO human being is ever IRRELEVANT. Every human being matters.  Let your voice be heard.

If you have no place to tell you story… If you have no place to be heard… If you feel unwelcome, rejected, lost or alone… Call me! Write to me! Connect with me and together we can change the world.

Together we can stand in the face of the bully!

One final whisper to the perpetrator of this statement to me… SUE me! Take your legal action… bring it on. Your actions and your words will not kill me or silence me. Your words will only make my actions and my presence in the world stronger and will fan the flames of my passion for community, healing and love of all human-kind.

If this blog stirs something in you? Let me know, I want to hear from you.


Silence = Death

How long will this continue... A story about relevance

How long will this continue…
A story about relevance

How long will this continue... A story about relevance

How long will this continue…
A story about relevance

Awaken Studio the week of March 4th to 10th 2013




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Awaken Studio Conscious Expression of Erotic and Life Force Energies Events and Programs for Men who LOVE Men and Men who have SEX with Men

Awaken Studio
Conscious Expression of Erotic and Life Force Energies
Events and Programs for Men who LOVE Men and Men who have SEX with Men

LIFE Force - Creative Source Body Aware - Body Alive March 6 2013 7:00pm to 10:00 pm Awaken Studio Toronto

LIFE Force – Creative Source
Body Aware – Body Alive
March 6 2013
7:00pm to 10:00 pm
Awaken Studio Toronto


LIFE Force Movement for Men March 7 2013 7:00pm to 8:30 pm Awaken Studio Toronto

LIFE Force
Movement for Men
March 7 2013
7:00pm to 8:30 pm
Awaken Studio Toronto

Exquisite Connections for Men Discover Pleasure in the Body March 9 2013 10am to 7pm Awaken Studio Toronto

Exquisite Connections for Men
Discover Pleasure in the Body
March 9th 2013
10am to 7pm
Awaken Studio Toronto

Men 4 Men Touch Exchange March 10 2013 1pm to 6pm Awaken Studio Toronto

Men 4 Men Touch Exchange
March 10 2013
1pm to 6pm
Awaken Studio Toronto



It is wonderful to be in such a BIG adventure!

Yesterday as I picked up the paper off the streetcar seat this was the first article my eyes fell on.


The adventure is just beginning. You end up with something different than you expected. What will you discover? Flexibility and patience are key.

I was a bit stunned looking at this as I had just been to see a space. I was so totally disappointed. The room was alright, there were no amenities… those could be provided. The biggest sign that said beware was that there was no washroom in the space. Going seeing and being in all the disappointment actually had a lesson and that was I need a washroom as part of the space.

Today the adventure continues and is always beginning… I will seek and search and look some more. The right place will come up. The right thing has always come up.

Loving life and loving the BIG adventure.

The BIG adventure

 Client Centered Counselling – Life Skills Coaching – Intuitive Bodywork

I am still savouring the end of my coaching call yesterday. (Yes I have a personal coach! )

This last little tid-bit was about creating a place, a space where one can say YES!  And how very much I am involved and great at being in a YES place! and bringing others along with me.

YES ! I can.

YES! I am.

YES! I can do this.

YES! This is okay!

YES! I want more.

YES! I would like to try that.


I know that saying YES! all the time is not possible, however there is so much more possibility in YES or even a hesitant maybe than in the constriction and finality of NO. To be in a YES seems creative and full of juice. I am able to build far more when I say YES! than in any other mode.

There is so much permission required, so much openness and willingness to be able go towards possibility. The need to say YES! be open-ended, open-minded and create more possibility is a feature of what I have been doing in my work with clients.  I find myself on this wild voyage looking for a place, a home, a Center for YES!  A place for all folk to be able to get into the deep depths and say YES! a place where there is possibility rather than confinement. Creating this new YES! place opens my heart and although it scares me and pushes me to my very edge has me filled with the delight of abundance!

Today I will be creative and open and reopen to possibility and I will say YES in creative and new ways!



 Find out more about what having a persona coach can be

Open the possibility up in your life!

My little tale for the day…

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Once upon a time in a great castle, a Prince’s daughter grew up happy and contented, in spite of a jealous stepmother. She was very pretty, with blue eyes and long black hair. Her skin was delicate and fair, and so she was called Snow White. Everyone was quite sure she would become very beautiful. Though her stepmother was a wicked woman, she too was very beautiful, and the magic mirror told her this every day, whenever she asked it.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest lady in the land?” The reply was always; “You are, your Majesty,” until the dreadful day when she heard it say, “Snow White is the loveliest in the land.” The stepmother was furious and, wild with jealousy, began plotting to get rid of her rival. Calling one of her trusty servants, she bribed him with a rich reward to take Snow White into the forest, far away from the Castle. Then, unseen, he was to put her to death. The greedy servant, attracted to the reward, agreed to do this deed, and he led the innocent little girl away. However, when they came to the fatal spot, the man’s courage failed him and, leaving Snow White sitting beside a tree, he mumbled an excuse and ran off. Snow White was all alone in the forest.

Night came, but the servant did not return. Snow White, alone in the dark forest, began to cry bitterly. She thought she could feel terrible eyes spying on her, and she heard strange sounds and rustlings that made her heart thump. At last, overcome by tiredness, she fell asleep curled under a tree.

Snow White slept fitfully, wakening from time to time with a start and staring into the darkness round her. Several times, she thought she felt something, or somebody touch her as she slept.

At last, dawn woke the forest to the song of the birds, and Snow White too, awoke. A whole world was stirring to life and the little girl was glad to see how silly her fears had been. However, the thick trees were like a wall round her, and as she tried to find out where she was, she came upon a path. She walked along it, hopefully. On she walked till she came to a clearing. There stood a strange cottage, with a tiny door, tiny windows and a tiny chimney pot. Everything about the cottage was much tinier than it ought to be. Snow White pushed the door open.

“l wonder who lives here?” she said to herself, peeping round the kitchen. “What tiny plates! And spoons! There must be seven of them, the table’s laid for seven people.” Upstairs was a bedroom with seven neat little beds. Going back to the kitchen, Snow White had an idea.

“I’ll make them something to eat. When they come home, they’ll be glad to find a meal ready.” Towards dusk, seven tiny men marched homewards singing. But when they opened the door, to their surprise they found a bowl of hot steaming soup on the table, and the whole house spick and span. Upstairs was Snow White, fast asleep on one of the beds. The chief dwarf prodded her gently.

“Who are you?” he asked. Snow White told them her sad story, and tears sprang to the dwarfs’ eyes. Then one of them said, as he noisily blew his nose:

“Stay here with us!”

“Hooray! Hooray!” they cheered, dancing joyfully round the little girl. The dwarfs said to Snow White:

“You can live here and tend to the house while we’re down the mine. Don’t worry about your stepmother leaving you in the forest. We love you and we’ll take care of you!” Snow White gratefully accepted their hospitality, and next morning the dwarfs set off for work. But they warned Snow White not to open the door to strangers.

Meanwhile, the servant had returned to the castle, with the heart of a roe deer. He gave it to the cruel stepmother, telling her it belonged to Snow White, so that he could claim the reward. Highly pleased, the stepmother turned again to the magic mirror. But her hopes were dashed, for the mirror replied: “The loveliest in the land is still Snow White, who lives in the seven dwarfs’ cottage, down in the forest.” The stepmother was beside herself with rage.

“She must die! She must die!” she screamed. Disguising herself as an old peasant woman, she put a poisoned apple with the others in her basket. Then, taking the quickest way into the forest, she crossed the swamp at the edge of the trees. She reached the bank unseen, just as Snow White stood waving goodbye to the seven dwarfs on their way to the mine.

Snow White was in the kitchen when she heard the sound at the door: KNOCK! KNOCK!

“Who’s there?” she called suspiciously, remembering the dwarfs advice.

“I’m an old peasant woman selling apples,” came the reply.

“I don’t need any apples, thank you,” she replied.

“But they are beautiful apples and ever so juicy!” said the velvety voice from outside the door.

“I’m not supposed to open the door to anyone,” said the little girl, who was reluctant to disobey her friends.

“And quite right too! Good girl! If you promised not to open up to strangers, then of course you can’t buy. You are a good girl indeed!” Then the old woman went on.

“And as a reward for being good, I’m going to make you a gift of one of my apples!” Without a further thought, Snow White opened the door just a tiny crack, to take the apple.

“There! Now isn’t that a nice apple?” Snow White bit into the fruit, and as she did, fell to the ground in a faint: the effect of the terrible poison left her lifeless instantaneously.

Now chuckling evilly, the wicked stepmother hurried off. But as she ran back across the swamp, she tripped and fell into the quicksand. No one heard her cries for help, and she disappeared without a trace.

Meanwhile, the dwarfs came out of the mine to find the sky had grown dark and stormy. Loud thunder echoed through the valleys and streaks of lightning ripped the sky. Worried about Snow White they ran as quickly as they could down the mountain to the cottage.

There they found Snow White, lying still and lifeless, the poisoned apple by her side. They did their best to bring her around, but it was no use.

They wept and wept for a long time. Then they laid her on a bed of rose petals, carried her into the forest and put her in a crystal coffin.

Each day they laid a flower there.

Then one evening, they discovered a strange young man admiring Snow White’s lovely face through the glass. After listening to the story, the Prince (for he was a prince!) made a suggestion.

“If you allow me to take her to the Castle, I’ll call in famous doctors to waken her from this peculiar sleep. She’s so lovely I’d love to kiss her!” He did, and as though by magic, the Prince’s kiss broke the spell. To everyone’s astonishment, Snow White opened her eyes. She had amazingly come back to life! Now in love, the Prince asked Snow White to marry him, and the dwarfs reluctantly had to say good bye to Snow White.

From that day on, Snow White lived happily in a great castle. But from time to time, she was drawn back to visit the little cottage down in the forest.

7 Dwarfs and Snow White - January 20127 Dwarfs and an Awakening - January 2012


Moving AHEAD!

Knowing GOD… Playing in the Divine… Being a bright and shining BOY…

Moving Ahead... Toronto 2011

Coming soon more new for the Downtown Swim Club



Sometimes all I really want is a small gentle nudge. Most times my mind and my being gives me a huge aggressive and demanding push. I never respond to pushing and shoving in a nice way. Points me to retraining myself to be move of what I actually want and a lot less of what I do not want.

Today I will be gentle and take it easy. I will listen to the truth of  what my heart wants.

Insight - Montreal 2012

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