Archive for the ‘Dreaming’ Category

Rejection – Pain -♥- Sweet Juicy Heart at the Awaken Studio Toronto

A voyage through pain, from many sources, to a simple discovery.

Today. Monday June 13, 2016.

Today a day of feeling so much grief, so much loss and so much pain.

Yesterday was a full day. Holding space for a gathering of men sharing from the heart, at the same time, containing my knowledge of this terrible, terrible rampage of hate and violence and murder and compounded by the weirdness of being separated, for the day, from my husband, my love.

There were so many emotional and thoughtful elements yesterday that I went to sleep with a huge burden of emotional confusion. We had spent the day speaking in our ritualized circle and what I came away with, were twinges of memory around family and secrets and how mostly it was to be a gay boy child. Spending dinner in a quiet gathering instead of what was usually a raucous and vocal group. After cleaning up, I had of course, looked at social media and read the reactions of anger, seen the pictures of the gatherings and witnessed over the internet, the pain that glowed in the candlelight, being present to the terror and the fear and horror of not knowing who was alive and who was dead. As I prepared for sleep I wondered why I was feeling so detached from the events of the day. I was numb, a state unfamiliar to me.

In the night, I dreamt, dreams that I can not remember. I woke up with a resolve to not dwell in the ever repeating world of the “news”. I resolved instead to spend the day in introspection and wondering about my own feelings and my own process.  I began the day, fixed myself a cup of coffee and looked at the newspaper. Unrolling this printed bundle of stories, the first that I read was the tormented and powerful text conversation of a mother receiving the love of her son, as he told her he was going to die and begged her to call the police and get help. The day turned solemn. All seemed hollow after reading of this parent’s love. My heart opened as I realized that I know my mother loved me in this way.

Going with my husband to lunch and not being able to speak with ease as we have in the past had this terrible confrontational conversation about gun control in the United States. We totally misunderstand each other and this creates some level of pain within me. The reason we go to lunch together is to prepare ourselves for the counselling session that we will be attending as a couple. During lunch I wonder how things will go. Just after lunch at the counsellor’s office which is just across the street we begin our conversation. My mood being as dark as it has been in a long time, my emotions running in a rich and dense pulse through me and my wanting so much to be understood.

We proceed in the session. Our conversation is deep and the love that we have for each other very present. The pain that we each had a sharp and constant draw of the blade. Our conversation continues, our understanding deepening our connection, solidifying who we are together. The sharing we create assisting each of us in going a little deeper. Our conversation falls from the torment of the present to the pains of the past.

Through the conversation the depth I reached was not surprising, as much as terrifying. I think I truly scared myself as I revealed the suicidal thoughts, the dark and horrible pain and the frustration of not sensing that I could reveal myself. The pain of being in relationship and not feeling that I could be me. The truth came out. The truth of hurt and loss and self-deprecation and sublimation of self to get acceptance and love. The joyful and uplifting part was that no part of this torment was actually coming from my husband. This torment came through me and my own process, and is a direct result of the many rejections that I have experienced and felt in my life.

In this session, I discovered that rejection can create pain, in the mind and in the body. That from rejection, humans can feel pain on emotional and physical levels. This pain not unlike the pain that comes from a cut or other physical violence. This pain, in me, so awful and so old. This pain connected in the most surprising places. Places that I had not connected before. Places that I thought were far in the past and if not from the far past that I had dealt with and survived. These rejections that had caused so much pain came from the rejection of who I was as a boy by my father, a myriad of rejections as to who I have been in my life as a male, rejections from contemporaries of my body and my way, of being and finally the most visceral rejection by the director of the American corporation that I had worked for over a five-year period.

All of this caused me to seek out some information about rejection, emotional abuse and pain. My quest for information, not surprising, given the myriad bursts of pain that I feel. Pain that is intensified when I am insecure about who I am. This pain can become greater when I am in the visceral act of separating myself from the perpetrator and the agents of the rejection and ostracism. I wondered about how this connected in a historical way, especially with my father, the experiences in school and the life I lived as a gay boy in a small rural setting. The information for me, from me, was that over time and space those old pains had settled. The new pain, the pain that I felt the strongest, was the pain and emotional violence from the most recent abuse. The cause of this pain and the perpetrator of the rejection was very obvious. Next was to search for the trigger of this newest wave of emotional pain.

I thought that the trigger was in something to do with colliding groups and conflicting values, all present in my day on Sunday and with the group that had gathered and all the energy that was brought forward looking to family connections. My next discovery was surprising. The pain that I have been feeling is not connected to this old pain, the pain comes directly from being told, by the director of the school that I had worked for, that I was “IRRELEVANT!”. The pain was being inflicted on me by the voice and actions of that inhumane, corporate director who said that what I cared for did not matter. Who I was was irrelevant. That my vision and my dream was not relevant to his business or the community that I was working from. The subsequent corporate bullying and the legal threats that ensued, were all backed up by the director’s partners, created an intensification of the pain then, and now.

All this emotional violence, the pain of isolation, the pain of having my voice muted and the pain of ostracization were flooding in me. I had worked so hard to contain the discomfort and distress perpetrated by my tormentor. The wound that I had so carefully addressed was irritated by all the recent vulnerability and was running close under the surface. The most painful part was that further below was the volcanic pain of being in the face of hatred and rejection. This intense pain of rejection and isolation was deeply triggered by the senseless hatred, violence and murder unleashed against the innocence of a group gathering to share in the dancing and loving and pure joy of being themselves in that nightclub in Orlando, Florida.

The conscious spirit streaming in me that needs to be myself, clashed with the historic message that I was not allowed to be who I truly was. This message of rejection most recently delivered by that managing director, I had worked for and then reinforced by his business partner. This rejection subsequently compounded and further reinforced by the forced ostracism and shunning by many of those I had worked with over those five years. My voice had been silenced. My vocal chords cut away by the threat of legal action.

Time has not healed this slash. My anger at being silenced and shunned has not dissipated. The wound has not been salved by loving self expression.  The hurt and pain has not been replaced by the good works of years of dedication to self and conscious acts of self care. The flow of love that has calmed the pain of all those decades ago, has not calmed the hurt from this most recent rejection. The pain of that rejection inflamed and intensified by watching the senseless hate filled murder of those who are like me, those who were simply being themselves.

I wonder now, several hours later, what self-loving acts it will take to let me be myself, free of the pain of conformation. Secure in the fact that the world that I create loves me and accepts me. Will it be more of the practice of kindness, compassion and grace that I instill in the groups of men that I gather? Will it be more of the excitement and joy that is created when I can work with a man and create an experience that fulfills his deepest dreams? Will it be more glorious dancing? Will it be simply in the beauty of self expression and the great freedom that unfolds when a gathering of men can come together and practice loving kindness with both themselves and others?

From my musing today, I know that there are somethings that will ease over time. There are some things I will never forget. I know that there are somethings that I can forgive. Finally, I know with all of my heart that I simply can not forgive the senseless violence that is perpetrated on the earth, I can not forgive the murder of innocence nor the slaughter of fellow human beings.

I know, in every atom of my being that I deserve to be on this earth. I know, that my voice and my love will persevere through all of my work and all that I create. I know, with every fiber of my physical form that those who dare to be themselves will never be extinguished, will never be eradicated from this earth.

I look forward to the day when life is free from pain and we can be gloriously loving, gracious and kind human beings.

Celebrating FREEDOM.

An introspection one year after setting myself free. Freeing myself from a business model and a business liaison that was, from my experience, unsupportive to me and the community that I represented, confrontational and blind to working and creating business from a heart centered model.

Today, as I was breathing and enjoying the freshness of my early morning walk, I pondered what this FREEDOM has meant for me. One year later and I am no longer shackled by the constraint of a larger body, domineering, bullying and demanding. In my business I have been able to open to a heart centered, more compassionate and gracious model of carrying on my LIFE work. In this freedom I have had to look to see where I go to exercise discipline and  to remain on course towards my goals.

These goals very simple and include:

  • Living from a SHAMELESS base
  • Enjoying Celebrating my FREEDOM
  • Flowing from my CREATIVITY
  • Being KIND, COMPASSIONATE and TRUTHFUL
  • Walking GENTLY on the EARTH
  • Giving from a POWERFUL place
  • BUILDING and FOSTERING COMMUNITY
  • Offering from my heart, with GRACIOUSNESS and KINDNESS.

This personal and business FREEDOM has not had it’s fair share of challenges. The greatest of these is the sense of isolation I feel when I look around. I sometimes find it very difficult to see others who are living their passion and their heart from a business model that I am able to identify with. I have been working on opening my vision farther and farther, seeking out others who can operate their business and live their lives, opening their heart and offering to the world with, FEARLESSNESS, LOVE and COMPASSION.

As part of my work this summer. I will be building, nurturing and creating a project that I will call the “Awakening Tree“. This will be  tree in which one can place their personal wishes for what they would like to “AWAKEN” in their life. This project is inspired by the YOKO ONO HOPE TREE and the Guggenheim in Venice. For more information about the “AWAKEN TREE PROJECT” contact me at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca . Watch for more blogs about this project.

 

Celebrating my First Birthday and my Emancipation at www.phillipcoupal.ca

Celebrating my First Birthday and my Emancipation at http://www.phillipcoupal.ca

As I approach the final anniversary in May, I am again reminded of the power that emanates from within.

Last night at dinner, with a wonderful group of men, I was asked about how things in my life, were going. Yes there was the usual surface gratitude. And then, when I checked for a moment, inside, I was overcome with a greater sense of deeper gratitude and power, an internal and much more earthy gratitude. I was aware of a deep and rich sense of gratitude and power that radiated directly from my source.

This reminder brought up a great well of very lovely, juicy and fertile energy. My greater sense reminding me that this richness resides within me and flows from my source. The source of life, the within. This within, the place where I am nothing but myself: a beautiful and meaningful, radiant, blissful being.

I am filled with gratitude and pleasure as I realize that the past year has exercised, strengthened and enlarged this great pool of within and the personal strength that comes from my, within. My life source has been enriched by the experience of being made irrelevant and being cast aside.

The within in me, is the source of all of my life and my energy.  A year ago I would have never thought or even imagined that I might have within me the power to move ahead and become more myself than I have ever been.I am so very grateful to have been able to access and utilize and pump out from this well, this source, that accesses the within. The power within me to overcome those that would have me be powerless and without strength or individuality.

Today when I am utilizing this life force, when I am accessing and actively flowing from the source, I am letting myself come out to play and create and bring meaning to my world. I am full of relevance and fortitude and I even have power. I am anything but “IRRELEVANT” I am powerful and full of meaning.

A note to those that might feel bullied, coerced, forced to be something that they are not, shamed and dominated, made to feel powerless. Your LIFE source, the power within you, to be you, is within and is full of the brilliant radiance that is you. When you can let this source energy flow and be in the brilliance of exactly who, you are, you will have full and resolute power.

To those that have been bullied, please never take on the words, coercion, ridicule, shame or domination of those bullies. Please reach inside and bring out your brilliance, especially in the face of those who wish to wield power in a brutal and careless manner. The world can only be a better place if each and every human being, could live from the BRILLIANT RADIANCE that comes from source and resides in each of us, in the within.

LOVE ~ Phillip

Living LIFE as a RADIANT BABY ~ Accessing the Bliss Body www.phillipcoupal.ca

Living LIFE as a RADIANT BABY accessing the Bliss Body www.phillipcoupal.ca

Living LIFE as a RADIANT BABY accessing the Bliss Body
http://www.phillipcoupal.ca

 

Fresh LOVE?

No this is not about going out and having a Spring Fling… This is about travelling inside and creating a lasting internal LOVE.

  • Turn on the flow inside.
  • Create love inside.
  • Turn on the light inside
  • Nurture the inside.
  • Nourish the inside.
  • Reassure the inside.

Sometime we need to work with the shadow, sometimes we need to let everything go, sometimes we need to cultivate some new stories.

When you want to create some FRESH LOVE for yourself, let me know I can be there for you and guide you as you start something NEW.

Creating a FRESH start with new parts of your life can be as simple as booking an introductory session.

Book yours online at http://www.phillipcoupal.ca or Call 416-557-7312 or Email at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Holi – a festival of abandon.

References to this event are often made as playing Holi. This festival of colour and a celebration of the riot that happens as Spring takes over the world holds a place dear in my heart.

I love the idea of playing with abandon and letting oneself get into the muck of what is. Playing in all this colour and the riotous quality of what one has no control over can be exhilarating and freeing.  The story of Krishna playing with the milk maids as a lowly goat heard is inspiring… The thought that good can transcend evil and that everything will be okay as long as we remain faithful is a source of strength. God to me is the divine nature and internal source that we all have in our own individual self.

Here is a description of the background of the festival:

Originally known as the ‘Holika Festival’, this ancient Indian festival has been part of the nation’s tradition for over centuries already. It is celebrated on the last full moon day of Phalguna, a month in the Lunar Calendar which falls between February and March. It marks the beginning of the spring season where colors spring to life to beautify the surroundings even more. Furthermore, it is the day when the Hindus pay homage to their legends.

According to Hindu beliefs, Holika is a devil who has the gift of immortality. He was defeated by Vishnu, the main Vedic god of preservation and the universe. It is this story of good triumphing over evil which is the main cause for the Holi Festival. It constantly reminds the people that everything will be okay as long as they remain faithful to their gods.

However, it is not only the religious anecdote in which the whole celebration is based. The act of wetting people with scented water and subsequently dumping them with bright powder colors came from the Hindu belief that the god Krishna is fond of playing pranks on little girls. He loves dumping them with water and bright colors.

Healing through play… smiling helps and the JOY of life to be found in the act of Celebration.

http://www.phillipcoupal.ca

Men 4 Men Touch Exchange – Monday February 18

Men experiment with giving and receiving erotic touch in a safe, honouring, uplifting environment.

Experiential Embodied Erotic Exploration – Healing Bodywork for Men

Touch exchanges are offered at the Awaken Studio on a monthly basis. Curious? Please contact Phillip Coupal at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Celebrate your erotic nature, honour your self with heartfelt touch.

This gathering of men delivers the opportunity to give and receive full bodied touch. The elements of Taoist Erotic Massage and erotic and genital touch as originally taught by Joseph Kramer are incorporated into each exchange.

There is a practice of Breath Work, Body Awareness and Conscious Heartfelt Touch. Each exchange is offered on a weekend afternoon and is held in the comfortable, well equipped and private space provided by the Awaken Studio.

You will be asked to make a personal agreement before you attend this event. This agreement about group behaviour will be outlined in a confirming letter and delivered to all participants.

Spaces are limited this group is limited to 12 participants.

If you are curious about this group and would like to have more information before you register please email and let me know your questions, comments or concerns at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Check the website for cpmplete information and registration details:
http://www.phillipcoupal.ca/Touch-Exchange-Phillip-Coupal-Counselling-Coaching-Bodywork-Toronto-Gay-Men

Touch Exchange for Men - Awaken Studio - Toronto Explore Erotic and Sensual Touch in a safe and uplifting environment

Touch Exchange for Men – Awaken Studio – Toronto
Explore Erotic and Sensual Touch in a safe and uplifting environment

Men experiment with giving and receiving erotic touch in a safe, honouring, uplifting environment. Men 4 Men Touch Exchange.

Experiential Embodied Erotic Exploration – Healing Bodywork for Men

Touch exchanges are offered at the Awaken Studio on a monthly basis. Curious? Please contact Phillip Coupal at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Celebrate your erotic nature, honour your self with heartfelt touch.

This gathering of men delivers the opportunity to give and receive full bodied touch. The elements of Taoist Erotic Massage and erotic and genital touch as originally taught by Joseph Kramer are incorporated into each exchange.

There is a practice of Breath Work, Body Awareness and Conscious Heartfelt Touch. Each exchange is offered on a weekend afternoon and is held in the comfortable, well equipped and private space provided by the Awaken Studio.

You will be asked to make a personal agreement before you attend this event. This agreement about group behaviour will be outlined in a confirming letter and delivered to all participants.

Spaces are limited this group is limited to 12 participants.

If you are curious about this group and would like to have more information before you register please email and let me know your questions, comments or concerns at phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Check the website for cpmplete information and registration details:
http://www.phillipcoupal.ca/Touch-Exchange-Phillip-Coupal-Counselling-Coaching-Bodywork-Toronto-Gay-Men

Touch Exchange for Men - Awaken Studio - Toronto Explore Erotic and Sensual Touch in a safe and uplifting environment

Touch Exchange for Men – Awaken Studio – Toronto
Explore Erotic and Sensual Touch in a safe and uplifting environment

For information about Erotic Bodywork for Men in Toronto please visit my website at http://www.phillipcoupal.ca

As of the 1st of June 2012 I resigned as Coordinator for the Body Electric School in Toronto

I am now after more than 10 years of Facilitating Men’s Work presenting my own workshops

Experiential Embodiment Workshops for Men – Toronto 2012 Taoist Erotic Massage Workshops and Facilitated Embodiment Experiences Toronto Workshops Fall 2012

•Taoist Erotic Massage – September 21, 22 and 23

•Deeper Touch – Anal Massage  – October 26, 27 and 28

•Taoist Erotic Massage – November 9, 10 and 11

•Full Body Experiential Experiences and Multi Orgasm for Men – November 30, December 1 and 2

Workshop fee is $250.00 for the weekend Interview and Prior Registration Required

Contact Phillip Coupal Counselling + Coaching + Bodywork at: www.phillipcoupal.ca phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

Presented at the Awaken Studio

270 Carlaw Avenue Unit 102, Toronto Ontario, M4M 3L1

The blog article from this date has been removed at the request and insistance of the Body Electric School administrator as he felt it was defamatory to the school.

By speaking of my departure from the school I meant no malice to the school andI mean no malice now. Please see all information about the new series of workshops that I have developed. Experiential Embodied Erotic Explorations

I wish the Body Electric School all good will in all of their endevours.

Best regards

Phillip

NOTE:
At some point in time due to a demand of the Body Electric School I took this blog article down.

February 28, 2014 – I am placing  it back on the internet as I feel it is a very important part of my experience, learning and education. This article tells the world my side of the story. I feel I have been bullied and forced into keeping silent. I am placing this back onto my personal page and letting it speak for itself. If you have questions contact me. As always LOVE Phillip

My heart today as I move forward… – Juicy Heart

by Phillip Coupal

An offering…

How I got to be where I am today and my departure from the Body Electric School or … being jetisoned into reality.

June 2012, just a few days before the Power Surrender and Intimacy workshop, here in Toronto, I was told by the school administrative assistant that I was “irrelevant”. This action on the part of the school and the subsequent defense by the school’s director clearly pointed out to me that I was not respected. I became very aware, very quickly, that in-fact for all of the work that I had done in my community and for the promotion of the school over the five years that I was coordinator, that I was held in contemptuous regard by the administrative staff and the director.

Shortly after being told that I was “irrelevant” I resigned from my position as local Coordinator for the Body Electric School in Toronto. The struggle had become intolerable. My resignation was tendered for two basic reasons.

  • First, my values and the values of the director of the school were at direct odds. This confrontational relationship meant that everything was a struggle and that bringing the workshops to fruition was not happening with either ease or the respect for client care that I demand.
  • Second, the school was misrepresenting itself as a business entity in Canada. This misrepresentation was putting me in serious jeopardy in relation to my business and my financial integrity. All of this in reference to the American company not being registered with Revenue Canada, in order to conduct business, collect payments and remit taxes in Canada. All this in addition to the fact that all payments for Canadian workshops were to be transacted in Canadian funds and despite all reassurance this was not happening.

Simply put, I was unable to accommodate what was being asked of me and I was unable to do what I had committed to do. All that I had done with relative ease for the past five years had fallen apart. I was unable to present to areas of my community that were interested in the work, I was unable to sell what had become an overpriced commodity, and I was unable to reconcile the lack of communication and inept client care that was being delivered to me by the school’s administration.

Alas, happily I am now working on my own. I have an exciting and dynamic lineup of workshops for the fall. The new work that I present has been inspired by Joseph Kramer, the founder of the school, and many of the school’s faculty, who have taught me well over the years. I am glad that I am able to present to areas of my community that are receptive to the work. I am relieved that I am able to price the work in a way that is affordable and reflects the needs of my surrounding community. I am delighted that I am able to work day-to-day in a transparent way without the struggle and encumbrance of an organization that felt unstable.

I am very glad to be where I am now. I am grateful for the release and expansion into the breadth and depth of operating a heart centered business.

If you would like more information about the workshops that I am producing, the events that I am facilitating, or the experiential body awareness programs I offer, or if you would simply like to know how you can become more a part of the experimental, experiential, educational, and embodied erotic community here in Toronto please check my website atwww.phillipcoupal.ca (click on the calendar button), drop me an email atphillip@phillipcoupal.ca or call me at 416-557-7312.

Generated with love, Namaste.

Phillip

Phillip Coupal

Counselling – Coaching – Bodywork – Group Facilitation

Sex Coach – Sacred Intimate – Erotic Educator

Awaken Studio 270 Carlaw Avenue, Unit 102 Toronto Ontario Canada

 

 

Erotic Embodiment Classes

Weekend Workshops Toronto Fall 2012

Awaken your Body Mind Heart Spirit

Erotic Embodiment – Dancing on the Ecstatic Path

August 31, September 1 and 2

Taught by Phillip Coupal

Desire, Breath, Trance and Full Body Exploration

Erotic Embodiment – Taoist Erotic Massage

September 21, 22 and 24

Taught by Phillip Coupal

Genital Massage for Men with Breath and Embodied Orgasm

Erotic Embodiment – Anal Massage

October 26, 27 and 28

Taught by Phillip Coupal

Anal Massage for Men with Breath and Prostate Exploration

Erotic Embodiment – Taoist Erotic Massage

November 9, 10 and 11

Taught by Phillip Coupal

Genital Massage for Men with Breath and Embodied Orgasm

Erotic Embodiment – Full Body Multi Orgasm

November 30, December 1 and 2

Taught by Phillip Coupal

Genital Massage for Men with Breath and Embodied Orgasm

It is never too early to register for any of these workshops.

Please let me know if you would like more information

phillip@phillipcoupal.ca

 

 

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When asked this morning what excites me in my life…

  • The JOY that I feel every morning when I wake up! ♥ 
  • The gratitude that I feel every morning when I discover that I am breathing! ♥
  • The bliss that I feel every morning when I choose to LIVE the next moment fully! ♥

YES! ♥ Oh yes, there were other thoughts that flew into my head but the simple JOY of waking up was what resonated in my heart!

Sunrise

 

www.phillipcoupal.ca

Counselling – Coaching – Bodywork for Gay Men and Male Couples Working with Individuals, Couples and Groups.

The EDGE…

Sometimes I fell like I will tumble over and sometimes I feel like I am balanced and able to negotiate my way without loosing my balance…

The edge is always there and I simply need to proceed. What is the worst that could happen? I could fall over or I could keep wandering along being fearful.

So I will dance on the edge and be naive and full of joy. Am I in denial of the edge? No! I am simply choosing to stay within myself and not let the outside elements affect me or make my experience something that is outside of me.

Today I will remain within my vessel, my integral space. I will dance and sing and be joyful when someone chooses to join. I will trust that I am being watched over and taken care of.

Watched over... Toronto January 2012